the fight that made us see

i guess i am finding it hard to put myself and my life in words here. so much of what i experience on a day-to-day basis is challenged by my previous understanding of myself and what i know to be true. this past week there was a fight in semillas that left a batch of children hurting, volunteers crying, and a fear that grew out of the fact that the space we worked to make safe, clearly was not.

christmas time, we are told, is a very difficult and stressful time for people who live in the third world. some of this is due to the social pressure put on families to provide gifts for their children. the reality is that some families can´t afford to buy enough food to eat everyday, let alone splurge on extras like toys. this creates a lot of tension in households in our neighborhoods, and we have been led to believe that this is one reason for the violent and aggressive behavior that has suddenly srpung up in our children.

but hearing this from a local, and understanding the cultural and social contexts that go into the behaviors of others, somehow didn´t make it any easier for me to process what happened. my heart is still bumping up against the bruises of the children´s pain, and the fact that they act on their anger in the only way they know: with fists.

i am coming to see that i have no answers here. i cannot change the situations that these kids come from, I can not control the way they act and behave, and I don´t have an educational background in counseling or organzing people politically or financially helping to start microbusinesses. all I can do is model a better way, a way that perphaps they have not been shown. all i can do is be.

and that is hard. it makes you sit with pain and wriggle uncomfortably. in the western world, we are taught to believe that if something is wrong, you can change it. we believe that we are in control of our lives and our environments. but here that is not the case, and my sure will power cannot collect the children of broken families and pull them into a safer and better life.

i can do is pray, because if there is a way, God has it. i don´t. Being here has enforced the idea that I have to believe in something bigger than myself. i have to believe there is a source of power and good and justice that can lift people out of the suffering they are in. because i cannot.

pray for the kids here. pray for the work God does in their lives 24/7 and that He will guide the work we do 2 hours a day.

it took a fight, two boys, four fists, to make me see how little i have control over. and while it was uncomfortable to not have power in that situation it gave me a little glimpse of this world, of this life, of our human condition. we are not in control, but He who is greater is. and that is why we are called to TRUST.

we cannot do it alone.