Death

As haunting as it may appear to seem, this has been the theme of my past few weeks. Not only in the physical sense, but also in the metaphyscial, the emotional self that I carry here, and the ideas that I hold tightly. Let me explain.

Christmas here was a wonderful time, we crammed into a small church to witness the birth of Jesus with families with babies brimming over the church pews in happiness and eagerness of the season. I felt full in a way I didn´t expect, since being so far away from family I thought it would be a tough day to pass, however the simplicity of it brought me into a new understanding of Christ´s coming into the world. It made me full. One word stung me more than others in the myriad of phrases that swing out and about around the holiday. Emmanuel. God is with us. That message was evident in the collectivity of the holiday, and stripped away from everything the season has come to represent in the states, it brought me back to the light I need to carry in my days here: God is with us.

After the 25th my community was given some precious time for traveling and I can say that I drank in the beauty of the Andes mountains and the exotic Amazon rain forest with a fevor I had long forgotten since back-packing through Chile and Peru. I will hopefully regale those tales of the mountainside another time, but for now I want to explore a more pertenant subject.

Upon returning from vacation to normal life, Andrew and I had a horrible awakening awaiting us at the hospital. one that blindsided us and scooted us right out of vacation mode and into the darker reality of Duran. Our first patient, the only one to see us through the entire first five months, unexpectedly passed away on Christmas Eve. We had not been notified of it earlier because we were on vacation, but returning to the hospital and finding her empty room shook both of us up. I had a gut moment where in the loss of her I started to question why we are here, what we are actually doing, and if in anyway we had done what we were called to with her. I tried to remember the last thing I said to her, probably have a great Christmas and we´ll see you when we get back. She was a joyous child, patient in suffering and always fighting through whatever her tiny body recieved in silence. Pray for her poor family, this is the 3rd child they have lost to TB.

Her death brought out a theme in my days that had I not been observant, I easily would have passed. Death had become one of the central symbols of being here for me, and by that I mean this year has been about dying to myself and my life in ways I didn´t know were possible. In leaving the states to set out for this adventure I had a fuzzy feeling that when I got down here I would grow and learn to love and be happy. Everything sounded easy, and sure a little painful, but surely I would get through without too many marks. I have had to let this realization go, or let the ambiguity and ignorance of it leave me. So far this year has been hard, because unlike what I thought of love before, a fluffy warm glow, it is a hard decision that you make every minute and it requires us to place others before ourselves constantly. My heart has ached here at feeling so powerless, at feelings of hopelessness inside myself when I recognize what little I give or offer these people. Most days it seems too much to put the needs of others before myself, I am much too concerned and focused on curing my own wounds.

God calls us to die to ourselves, to pick up our cross and follow him. I thought this would be easy when I got down here, once I had left my life behind in the states, but the hardest part of dying to ourselves exists within us, not on the exterior. Its been a struggle that I am slowly going through, with the end no where in sight. The more I try to let go of myself, who I am, my selfish desires, my need to see reults, the harder it gets to see where I am going, and the more self confidence I lose. Death ultimatley renders us powerless and empty, a most painful and undesirable experience, and yet we must chose it with our free will. God cannot do it for us.

I have seen hope come in the examples of others who have died to their ego and pride and weaknesses and allowed themselves to be perfectly flawed and human and wrapped in grace and love. I think we will all need to pass through our own deaths in order to really love people like we are called to do.

If you will pray, pray for the family of our patients in the hospital. pray for the women who suffer in ways unmentionable and unseen by society´s eyes, pray for the hearts of our kids, pray for the inner deaths of us all, so that we may hang them on the cross with Christ and live in the freedom of a love we are called to.

May each of you be able to experience a death in yourself that gives way to new life. The old is gone, the new has come. Let us rejoice.

the fight that made us see

i guess i am finding it hard to put myself and my life in words here. so much of what i experience on a day-to-day basis is challenged by my previous understanding of myself and what i know to be true. this past week there was a fight in semillas that left a batch of children hurting, volunteers crying, and a fear that grew out of the fact that the space we worked to make safe, clearly was not.

christmas time, we are told, is a very difficult and stressful time for people who live in the third world. some of this is due to the social pressure put on families to provide gifts for their children. the reality is that some families can´t afford to buy enough food to eat everyday, let alone splurge on extras like toys. this creates a lot of tension in households in our neighborhoods, and we have been led to believe that this is one reason for the violent and aggressive behavior that has suddenly srpung up in our children.

but hearing this from a local, and understanding the cultural and social contexts that go into the behaviors of others, somehow didn´t make it any easier for me to process what happened. my heart is still bumping up against the bruises of the children´s pain, and the fact that they act on their anger in the only way they know: with fists.

i am coming to see that i have no answers here. i cannot change the situations that these kids come from, I can not control the way they act and behave, and I don´t have an educational background in counseling or organzing people politically or financially helping to start microbusinesses. all I can do is model a better way, a way that perphaps they have not been shown. all i can do is be.

and that is hard. it makes you sit with pain and wriggle uncomfortably. in the western world, we are taught to believe that if something is wrong, you can change it. we believe that we are in control of our lives and our environments. but here that is not the case, and my sure will power cannot collect the children of broken families and pull them into a safer and better life.

i can do is pray, because if there is a way, God has it. i don´t. Being here has enforced the idea that I have to believe in something bigger than myself. i have to believe there is a source of power and good and justice that can lift people out of the suffering they are in. because i cannot.

pray for the kids here. pray for the work God does in their lives 24/7 and that He will guide the work we do 2 hours a day.

it took a fight, two boys, four fists, to make me see how little i have control over. and while it was uncomfortable to not have power in that situation it gave me a little glimpse of this world, of this life, of our human condition. we are not in control, but He who is greater is. and that is why we are called to TRUST.

we cannot do it alone.

Season of Joy

Hello All! Merry Christmas from the land of the sweating sun. I pray all of you are well and enjoying the advent season.

I have receieved a few e-mails from people asking what they can send for Christmas, and with the help of my community we thought of a few things that our programs could use. Just to restate, we are not in NEED of anything, we are very blessed and fully capable of running our programs and doing our jobs with the supplies we have. One of the tennants of our mission is to live in simplicity, and therefore we are trying our best to live without the luxuries of home, in order to be in solidarity with our neighbors here. With that in mind, if you would like to send anything to the program we will welcome it with open arms and gracious hearts.

1. Vitamins- we want to start giving the children at our program vitamins, so donations of chewable tablets or flinestones would be greatly appreciatied.
2. Books - The hospital where I work is severly underfunded and there are no resources for educational materials. Andrew and I have found it to be very helpful to bring along the few children´s spanish books we have. Here are a few we don´t have that I would like to acquire:
- Cordoroy (my favorite as a child)
- Madeline
- Rosaurio en Bicicleta
Any spanish written material would be wonderul, primarily for children ages 4-9.
3. Stickers- our incentive program to reinforce positive behavior allows kids to earn stickers based on attendance and good behavior. They LOVE getting stickers, as they are a novelty here. 4. Erasers- they seem to be what we go through the fastest at the afterschool programs
5. Water paints and brushes- they can be pretty expensive here


Please continue to pray for our community here, the people we live and work with, and God´s will to be done.

**To update everyone, our beloved community member Kasia went home today due to her worsening medical condition. Please pray that she heals rapidly and that the doctors can figure out a way to restore her health. She will be very missed by everyone here.

I pray that this Christmas season we come to see the truth of what Christ´s birth did for the entire world and all of creation.

hugs and snow angels.
colie

Turkey day

Greetings friends and family from a hot Thursday afternoon, coincidently a Happy Thanksgiving is in order, although it feels nothing of the day here. I just arrived home from working at the hospital, and hopping off a sweaty bus and preparing for an afternoon job are all things I am not prone to doing on turkey day. Unlike the rest and the food that I know families across the states are enjoying right now, I am no where near a kicthen, a football game or sweatpants. Bummer. However the bright side of things, which I have found there is one for every occasion here is Ecuador, is that our program directors have invited us to dine at their house this evening, which includes access to their outdoor poor and use of their cable TV. I am ready to slip into some holiday festivities, but instead of anticipating snow, I will be hoping for a tan :)

There is so much to be thankful for, but to start I will share my newed perspective in the hope of which I claim my life on, Christ. Yesterday I had a one-on-one interview with the founder of our program, Father Ronan, and like always, when his mouth opened, jewels and treasures poured forth. This is what I learned. God only spoke one word. God spoke one word because he knew there was only one word necessary, and only one word worth speaking. This word became flesh and dwelt among us. Jesus is and always will be God´s gift of life to us. God knew that all we would ever need could be found in Christ; he is our anwers (the model of living), our way, our truth and our light. Everything we have starts with Christ, and ends without him.

Living in the third world and witnessing the profound suffering of my fellow family members, I have come to see that indeed God´s love is needed now in our time more than ever, because evil does exist. I believe it does because I have seen horrible things done to people, friends and communities; in suffering there is always a darker side causing it. Father Ronan reminded us last night that while evil does exist, there is an anecdote. Love. When Jesus came down to earth, he brought the only anwer that will ever cure the world and help us to heal; himself, which is love.

I am praying that all of you, in the spirit of thanksgiving, may grasp and understand the love that God has for us, and rejoice in praise. Let that love tranform your life, or in the words of Oscar Romero, ¨Fall in love, stay in love, and it will determine everything.¨



Happy Thanksgiving.

A New Day

Well its been a little over theree months since we first arrived, and the dusty days are wearing on and making me stronger, I am sure, in ways I can´t yet see. I still find life here to be surreal, and sometimes I get giddy when I think about the fact that I am actually here, living in Ecuador! However, life in other ways, like work, has managed to become more routine, so I pray against complacency, and for a revival of spirit and energy to give to the people I am in community with.

So OBAMA?
We were invited to the US Consulate´s party held at the Hilton Colon downtown; so fancy. There were a bunch of people from the embassy there and we got to mingle with other American volunteers who are here volunteering, mainly Peace Corps. It was a fun event to get all dressed up for, and then the excitment of having a new president was almost too much for many of the people in the group, myself included, to bear. We watched excitedly on the big screens posted around the ball room as Obama´s numbers climbed through the roof, and meanwhile we tried to stack up on every finger food that passed us. (all american delicacies, cole slaw served in shot glasses, mini hamburgers, and chicken nuggest served with toothpicks on cloth napkins). By 11 the results were clear, and many celebrations were had in the lobby, including some extending hugs and tears. All I can say is that the world felt new and golden, and my hope has been refreshed that things might actually begin to change. I pray they will. It was quite an experience being out of the country, realizing the global impact that his presidency has on the world. It was fasicnating to be part of history, the people here have been enthralled to witness a man of color come into one of the most powerful positions designated to man. I know that it gives them encouragement to keep fighting.

About life.
I still go through many days where I question why I am here, and I continually have to lean on the Lord for that answer. It is a process in living, learning to surrender my ideas of the world as God presents me with new ones that aren´t necessarily comfortable or natural for me to accept. I have been learning a lot about the faults of individualism, and as a product of a society and generation that was raised to be independent, I am learning backwards how to be humbled, to be vulnerable with my community memebers, to recogonize that what I have to give is not my own, but from the Lord, and that we have to love together, I can´t do anything alone. I have been fighting alot within myself to be less competitive with the world, to TRUST God that I am exactly where I need to be, and that I have something to contribute to the people here, and that they too have things to teach me.

My Father, who art in heaven.
I had this vision yesterday of God at the end of a rope. He is always pulling me along, but in my greed, my hands are usually reaching out to grab things as we pass by, trying to balance my own thoughts and ideas and relationships. But I saw that as I collected more stuff, I could not hold on and I let go of the rope, leaving me stuck behind. In order to hold onto God, I have to use both hands, and I have to let go of all the other things I am trying to carry, including self-importance and a sense of mission. I have to have faith that God knows everything I need, and that He will provide it for me, without making me do it on my own. That is very hard, my mind tells me that I can provide for myself, and that I know what is best for myself too. I am asking God to break down that mentality in me. I am trying to hold on with two hands.

Things you can pray for.
1. Kids at the hospital. We have one patient who has been there for 3 months and it is starting to wear on her spirit. Pray that her parents will have the gentleness she needs, and that they will be able to conitnue to fund her medical needs while they are both out of work.
2. Patience. Semillas, our afterschool program, is going through some structural changes. We are still struggling with discipline issues as a whole large group, so please pray that we conitue to serve these kids in love, even the days where we hit the ends of our ropes.
3. Assertiveness. I am a very passive person, and here I need to have a voice and stand up for things that are wrong, instead of assuming that by being silent I am being kind to everyone´s opinions. Pray that I can confront things that are not of God´s truth, and confront them with love.
4. Christian community. I am missing all my friends and spiritual leaders in the states, and although I live with 6 other individuals, we are all at very different places with God. Pray that God will continue to provide me with people who will challenge me and hold me lovingly accountable to be a disciple of the Lord. I need spiritual direction, as the idea of vocation is still looming in my thought box. It is a process that is exciting to me, and I know God will provide the advice and guidence I need to explore His calling on my life.
5. Faith. Many days I can´t see the light at the end of the tunnel, pray that I walk through the storm, in places where I cannot go in my own humaness, but can only pass into with the strength of the Holy Spirit.

Remember that God renews each of us day by day. Our indentities are moving closer into the radiant and brilliant glory of Christ; cling to that promise. I pray that your hearts and lives are well surrendered to God, that you live TRULEY, in honesty and openess with one another, and that you will lay room in your soul for the people God calls to pass through it.

the man on the bus

the other day i had a curiuous incident with a man on a bus. he was sitting in front of me, and upon reazling that I was a forgienger he proceeded to turn around and casually stare at me for the remainder of the trip. I thought this was odd, and at times he would try to mumble to me in low spanish. I wasn´t quite sure how to respond, so I acted in a reserved manner and tried politely not to converse with him. He seemed to want to tell me about his family that lived in that states, but as we are taught, when we have red flags go up, obey them.

i went home and laughingly told the my communiuty about the man who stared on the bus. We chuckled and everyone shared stories of the same thing that had happened to them. I felt weird about it though, like maybe I hadn´t done what was right, and if he was a harmless old man, longing to regale stories of his past to a youth who might hear him out, I had sadly failed him.

Two weeks passed when I got on the bus again and who was sitting right in front of me but my buddy. My friend Carolina who happened to get on at the next stop, hopped on and in English I asked her if she remembered the man who stared. Looking to my left she noticed the old man, gaping again, and we both giggled out loud.

The next stop a few vendors climbed on to sell their goods, and the man in front of me bought a bag of fruits that they have in Ecuador. By the man´s clothes and his lack of teeth, I could see his poverty, and knowing that he was headed to the same place I live, I knew he didn´t have much spare change to spend. After he fished out 20 cents from his pocket, I hoped in earnest that he would face forwards and not continue to look at me as he ate. But to my dismay he held out the bag for me, and asked me to accept a gift from him. I told him that I couldn´t, but thank you for the offer. He insisted however, with the generosity of the people here that I will never understand, and upon taking the bag I smiled at him warmly to let him see my gratitude, the response he had put his 20 cents towards.

He turned around and for the first time making direct eye contact, he said, ¨We are all sisters and brothers. We are all the same. God bless you.¨

I felt shame rise up inside of me, for turning him down, for refusing to converse with him earlier, for looking at him the same way that everyone else on the bus did; like he was different. He humbled me right on the spot, and humilty, although a virtue, is always painful. That is what makes it humility.

I have been seeing that love has no divisions. I have divisions. I divide out what I think I can afford to give to others, or what I think they need, or in vain, who I think will give back to me. Love doesn´t hold back, there isn´t a shortage of it. Love is God, and God is in all things. We kill and destroy that love when we refuse to give it to all equally, because we think we know. I don´t know. I have no answers. Yet God in his mercy, still gives me love.

And that´s how I saw the face of Christ on a bus.

Anger

Angry. This is a new feeling for me. I grew up most of my life feeling like I wasn´t allowed to feel angry, always assuming that it was wrong and that I should get rid of the buildling emotion inside of me so it never fell out and hurt someone. For so long I have learned to hide anger, to stuff it down, or to let it out in small ways that don´t hurt people.

But here in Duran, I am angry. And I am realizing that it is okay.

The other day at our afterschool program we had to kick out two of our students for 2 months. What happened is that we asked them to leave the program earlier that day for fighting, and they proceeded to sneak back in and play in the dangerous part of the park (open sistern) and collect sharp objects. We had to chase them around the dangerous area, one of them already had a cast from a previously broken arm, all the while they laughed and giggled at their evasive game. In the end when we finally caught them they grabbed handful of rocks and threw them at the kids as we passed by on the way to the exit, physically carrying them out.

What breaks my heart, and what makes me mad, is that this is not their fault. They live in environment where they are not appreciaited, or loved, or given the opportunity to be kids. And they will soon, one day, be entering adolescence, where it will only get progressively harder for them to ever feel like they have value or that they are deeply cared for. The reason we have our program is for kids like them, who need to be reminded how special they are, to have a safe space to play, and to be surronded in an environment of caring people.

This incident opened up a huge wound in me, one that hurts for all the people that I am working with. I realized in the situation with my kids at the program that this evil, of many evils, is not their fault. They are victims of something much bigger, and they have no way out. Our system has mistreated them, and it will likely do so until they are old.

I have neighbors who have to run out of their houses and scream at passing water trucks in order to have enough to get by for a day. Sometimes these tanks stop, other times they do not. The piercing cries of women and chilldren up and down the street makes me wonder how I got here, and how it is that I am so spoiled. The hardest is to see the eyes of my neighbors when the tankers have passed; I see their worries spill out in front of me. If they will be able to feed their kids that day, or wash their clothes or bathe their bodies. How long will it be until another truck passes? Tomorrow? Two days? and what if it doesn´t stop again?

And the thing that is hardest for me is that I have water, in great abundance. At the turn of a faucet I could let it run for hours, fill bukcts and tubs and pots and pans, but 30 feet away from my house is a woman who will have to tell her child that today they won´t be any dinner. This injustice, boling under my skin, makes me angry.

But what do we do with anger? How do we carry all the pain in the world? I don´t want to be it in my community, I don´t want to internalize it, I don´t want to put it in on the kids, or their parents, who were likely raised the same way. I am angry at a system, a system that I am part of and contribute to. Whether in my power, in my ingroance, or in my privilege, I am in some way contributing to the harm of my brothers, the pain of my sisters, and the distress of my neighbors. We are all somehow connected to the evil that is being dumped on the human race.

The problem is that I want to do something to change it, but I cannot. I am not bigger than the system. I have no answers, which turns me directly to the one who does: God. God is the only person big enough to carry the weight and pain of injustice, and if I think what I am experiencing here is injustice, I cannot even fathom the things that people around the world live through and have to carry for the rest of their lives. Which brings me back to the fact that I am an instrument of God´s love, and that is the first thing I am ever called to be: love. God does not call me to change the world, or stop injustice. He doesn´t even call me to understand it, He knows I never will. But what He does call me to do is love, and not just my kids and my community, but even my enemies, the people that seem impossible and void of all humaness.

So that is where I am, at this difficult, impossible crossroad of love. What do I do with my anger? I have to give it to God, and pray. I cannot make myself love. I can try, but it won´t be enough. I don´t have enough to give. I have to have faith that the Holy Spirit is in me, and working through me to do the things God asks us to do for the kingdom, that are not of this earth. I have to believe that He will work through me, and in me, to change who I am.

A saying that has helped me is, ¨All lives have the same value, no matter where they are going.¨ If I am going to believe in God, and what he says, I have to start with love, and the belief that every human being has the right to be loved because God loves them.

I am trying to love. Please pray for me in that. I am praying for you as well, that the love of God will abound radiantly in you, and that together, with our anger, we can come into a deeper understanding of who God is. And why we are here.